After the evening lecture about five minutes into the evening meditation, a certain sensation of warmth diffused from the abdomen towards the upper body. I felt the acceleration of heartbeat, the blood vessels around the knee area flowing in pace, and, most important, all pain vanished without a trace. As a cat sunbathing in winter, I would not think to move my body even a tiny bit. My body and mind felt so great. I began to consider that the half-lotus might be one of the most natural postures to assume. "Is this the experience of Ch'an?" l kept on asking myself. If it was, then I must use the most advanced method, the kung-an "Wu, " to investigate. I must be close to the door of Ch'an, otherwise such high and jubilant emotions would not arise at all. I remembered Shih-fu's Intermediate Class lecture on kung-ans. I cried out "Wu" soundlessly with all my heart. To my surprise, nothing happened. In deep frustration, I incorporated a nasal sound of "Wu" to each exhalation. The sound of "Wu" did not lead me anywhere, but definitely attracted the blows of Shih-fu's incense board on my shoulder.

An incomplete experience is worse than no experience at all. I spent most of the second day thinking of my previous experience and trying to in vain to retrace the steps. Could I have lost the way to Ch'an completely? The only sensation that reminded me of the excitement was the piercing pain in my knees. I told myself that even if I did not recover the state of mind I had yesterday, I definitely had conquered the fear of pain once and for all.

When I was idling around the tea stand the next morning during the rest period, I noticed a framed Heart Sutra with seal-block print on the wall. I squeezed behind the teapot trying to identify all the Chinese characters. The phrase "hsin wu kua ai," no discrimination and no burden of mind, caught my sight. I said to myself, "If there is no discrimination and no burden, what else could exist in the mind? Nothing! Nothing! Nothing!" I pondered on this sentence for about fifteen minutes before the meditation period. As sitting progressed, I used no method but the sentence and searched for an answer. My breathing gradually became refined. I felt cool and comfortable as each inhalation became a sting of icy water. That coolness settled down my body much more, but the sense of doubt of having nothing in the mind grew stronger. There must be something wrong. I felt a warmth before, and now the cooling sensation may guide me in the wrong direction.