Next morning we did walking meditation outside. Meditation in a jungle of flying caterpillars must be one of the most absurd things under the sun. But that morning I was in a different mood. I wanted to walk as slowly as possible. Since I lost my heart in the meditation hall, I must look for it outdoors. I looked intently in front of my feet. Bypassing green caterpillars, ants, leaves and tree branches on the path, a single white-edged black crow feather jumped into my sight. I said to myself that since my heart without feet could not crawl out of my body, it must have flown out somehow. This feather might be what I was searching for. I had a sort of secret pleasure when I picked the feather up. I held it gingerly in my palm and examined it very closely. I started firing these questions to my mind: "Why do you think this feather is your heart-because of no sensation of crawling? Why didn't you pick up a caterpillar instead of a feather? Why?" I began to realize how discriminative I was.
Actually, everything is a reflection of my mind. My heart could be anything which I desired. Only an opened mind could lead to the state of no burden and no discrimination. When Shih-fu was gathering the answers to the question "Who is walking?" he got only one word from me, "Shih-fu." I was really mad at him at that time. My answer to the second question, "Where are we going?" was, "To my mind."
At lunch, I tried to follow Shih-fu's advice to eat each dish as if tasting it for the first time. To my surprise, I did it effortlessly, as I kept telling myself that my heart was everywhere, everything is a disposition of my mind. That was the most hearty meal of my life.
After lunch when I was wandering around between the dining room and the meditation hall, I saw some people standing or sitting there aimlessly just like me. Oh, my God. There was a genial warmth rising from the bottom of my heart. Those people were born, grown, and educated the same way as I was. Why could I not share my heart with them? Why do I treat them coldly like this? The tears started to fill my eyes as the feeling grew. I had to face the wall then, because I was overwhelmed by guilt.
In the interview room, when I described my feelings, I could not control myself, and burst into tears. Shih-fu asked me to prostrate. I did it in an awkward way and kept on crying loudly. I asked myself where the guilty feeling came from, and why I had to cry. I had no answers.