September 4
In the morning Shih-fu told us to prostrate to the Buddhas. However, I continued to sit. While everybody else prostrated, Shih-fu spoke in a tone both encouraging and reprimanding, until tears began to flow. The noise of crying filled the hall. Hearing all that crying, I suddenly wanted to scold these people. I tried to check myself but finally I shouted, "What is there to cry about?" That must have scared them somewhat. Shih-fu hit me twice with his incense board saying, "Do you know everything?" I started laughing and then said, "How funny. What is the use of crying?" And then I calmed down.
Another incense stick passed by. Shih-fu told us to start walking meditation. I was still sitting, now with a slight numbness in my arms. All of a sudden my body slumped. Although my mind was very clear, I had no control over my body. I just fell backward onto the floor. Lin, the retreat helper, came over to help me, but once his hand touched my forehead, I acted like a child and started crying loudly. In fact, I was howling, with my arms flinging, my legs sometimes kicking. I was well aware of the situation but couldn't control myself; I just felt that to cry was very natural, very relieving. After a while I stopped crying. Only then did tears come. I tried to continue sitting but Shih-fu told me to go out to see if the world was different. Lin carried me to the couch in the lecture hall and let me rest there.