On this same morning, while energetically counting the breath, I had a sudden impulse to cry. Then the line: "Offering my body and mind to innumerable worlds; this is showing gratitude towards the Buddha" ─ rushed into my mind. Deeply moved, I began to cry. During interview, Shih-fu asked me why I cried. I described my feeling at that moment. He said, "You're a monk. Of course you should offer your body and mind to innumerable worlds. But if you just feel that way and don't practice the vow, if you stay selfish and lazy, then you're not worthy of monkhood!" I thanked Shih-fu for his compassionate blessing.

September 4

In the morning Shih-fu told us to prostrate to the Buddhas. However, I continued to sit. While everybody else prostrated, Shih-fu spoke in a tone both encouraging and reprimanding, until tears began to flow. The noise of crying filled the hall. Hearing all that crying, I suddenly wanted to scold these people. I tried to check myself but finally I shouted, "What is there to cry about?" That must have scared them somewhat. Shih-fu hit me twice with his incense board saying, "Do you know everything?" I started laughing and then said, "How funny. What is the use of crying?" And then I calmed down.

Another incense stick passed by. Shih-fu told us to start walking meditation. I was still sitting, now with a slight numbness in my arms. All of a sudden my body slumped. Although my mind was very clear, I had no control over my body. I just fell backward onto the floor. Lin, the retreat helper, came over to help me, but once his hand touched my forehead, I acted like a child and started crying loudly. In fact, I was howling, with my arms flinging, my legs sometimes kicking. I was well aware of the situation but couldn't control myself; I just felt that to cry was very natural, very relieving. After a while I stopped crying. Only then did tears come. I tried to continue sitting but Shih-fu told me to go out to see if the world was different. Lin carried me to the couch in the lecture hall and let me rest there.