After a few days I was no longer distracted by thoughts of my outside life. During this time I was practicing the method of watching my tan-t'ien. I became very centered and calm, but I had a slight nervousness before my interviews with Shih-fu, which was dispelled as soon as we were face to face. I would tell him that I was not getting anywhere with my meditation. I was worried that I would not achieve any results. He would tell me not to worry about the future, just concentrate on the method. My concentration was improving, but I was impatient because the schedule was too predictable, and Shih-fu seemed too easy with me. There did not seem to be any room for the unexpected. For instance, I would relate some experience I had, while sitting or in a dream, since I spoke to him last. But whatever I related was already in the past. When would the immediate experience, the real interaction take place?

One day during slow walking, I became aware of everyone else's tan-t'ien. I suddenly felt that everything was flimsy and transparent. I felt there was something wrong with what everyone was doing, that they had to go through so much suffering on the retreat. At lunch, I thought it was ridiculous how everyone was enjoying their food. Shih-fu said that these feelings showed that some deep-seated jealousy had come to the surface. This explanation surprised me, but then I realized that jealousy had always been an obstacle of mine. Part of my worries stemmed from my fear that Shih-fu did not want me to get enlightened at all-that he was being too nice. Maybe he had different plans for the people that he disciplined more strongly. Of course, I was very ashamed of these feelings.

What saved me was the strongest thing I had going for me-my faith in Shih-fu. My meditation was always best just after the interview or the evening lecture. Perhaps because of previous karmic connections, I had very early developed a strong attachment to Shih-fu. When Shih-fu left for Taiwan only six weeks after I met him, I was very upset and had many fears that something would prevent his return. But eventually my happiness at finding a teacher after a lifetime of doubt began to override my fears. I was convinced that he was my Shih-fu, that I would never seek another one. If he did not return, I would accept it. Maybe I was not destined to become enlightened in this lifetime. In this way, faith came to my rescue once before.