At this time I was aware of Buddhism and Ch'an, and had read much on both subjects. However, it would be over a year before meeting Shih-fu, and becoming his student. That interim was marked with an unusually painful inward struggle.

Previously, whenever I remembered the above episode I would cringe. It was one of the worst experiences of my life, with deep repercussions. Now I think of it as a blessing in disguise: it forced me to abandon my lifestyle, my involvement with drugs and alcohol, and edged me into pursuing the Dharma.

After being a student of Shih-fu's for a while, I attended my first retreat. On that retreat three people got very good results. I, on the other hand, came away with a great deal of disappointment. Not until later did I see that I also got a great deal of benefit. What stands out in my mind from that retreat is Shih-fu telling me, in one of the daily interviews, that I was working hard, but that I had an obstruction. He said that in the past, a Ch'an Master would send someone like me away for five years to do hard labor. Fortunately, only a year later, I was able to attend a second retreat.

On the first morning I awoke to a familiar sound: two wooden boards being banged together. My first coherent thoughts were, "Here we go again, " and "Why am I here?" One bit of conversation echoed from the night before. In presenting the use of the incense board to the newer students, Shih-fu had mentioned that another student and I were the type who needed to be hit often. Recalling the last retreat, I decided if constantly being hit was the shape of things to come, I had better work hard.

One of my regrets from the last retreat was that I hadn't worked hard enough, hadn't really pushed myself. This time, I told myself, it would be different. I would try to meditate past the ten o'clock bedtime. Even so, I didn't succeed in staying up all night; most nights I slept two or three hours.