Despite my efforts, most of the retreat I felt I wasn't working hard enough. Stray thoughts assailed me no matter what I was doing-sitting, walking, chanting, preparing a meal, or eating. However, throughout the retreat, Shih-fu consoled me and encouraged my efforts. At times I felt that he was just humoring me; that if he really wanted to help me he should be scolding me, instructing me to work harder. But he just asked about my health, and how I was coming along with my method.

Around the third day, I complained that I wasn't working hard enough, that I couldn't get myself to work harder, that I had stray thoughts of the past, plus the usual pain in my legs and back. Questions kept popping up like "Why am I here? What is all this for? Why am I going after some mysterious something I'm not supposed to think about? Am I doing the method correctly? Will I be a failure if I don't get something?" and on and on...Shih-fu asked, "Do you feel stronger than the last retreat?" I realized I did, that I was no longer the same person who had come to the retreat three days ago. If anything was the turning point that was it. It gave me an added strength and self-confidence in the abilities I possessed, abilities which could definitely be used.

As I read back over what I've just written I think, "What a bunch of ego-inflated crap to lead the reader into believing that I was so fully aware of the situation, as if there was a blueprint I was able to follow." No such luck! Morning boards were sounded, I awoke and went about doing what had to be done just because it had to be done. I meditated-stray thoughts arose. I utilized my method and eventually less and less thoughts bubbled up. But there were certain themes to which I attached varying degrees of importance. (All very mundane stuff!) And in no manner was I able to view my efforts objectively. This is the importance of the master: to guide the student, to say what the student needs to hear and help him, whether it be scolding, kindness, or just leaving him alone.