The last words hit me like a bolt of lightning. I was devastated, so ashamed. There it was, right out in the open, all the doubt, fear, and weakness that I so skillfully hid from myself and others. The issue was actually very clear and straightforward-Do I really want liberation? I could feel all the old obstructions pulling at me-love of women, fear of family pressure, love of leisure, attachment to friends, fear for my life, etc. Yet, truly, liberation was most important. I made up my mind; there was no further need for emotional dramatics and display. The question of enlightenment became intensely personal, more so than it had ever been before. I felt this desire for freedom and liberation from deep down inside.

The next day, around mid-morning, I was sitting in meditation, somewhat sleepy, when suddenly I woke up and a cool calm came over me. "If I really want liberation, then this searching for some grand 'Wu' is totally absurd. All this Buddhism, this picturesque myth, has to go. All these years I've enslaved myself. I cannot sit here any longer. I must talk to the Master." I felt shaken up, but resolved and fresh. I wanted to roar at my foolishness-the whole world I had so carefully constructed and maintained about myself. The Master walked into the room; I pointed at him and said I wanted to speak to him. We went into the interview room. I was exploding, birds were singing outside. I sat opposite him, full front, and said, "Buddhism really is empty, isn't it?" He broke into a smile, I was just bubbling forth to him. I wanted to grab him by the shoulders and shake him, embrace him; there was so much pouring out. He said, "Congratulations, you finally have something, a very, very small bit of fruit." I said, "But I still have doubts!" He said, "Forget them, don't worry. You may go outside and wander around. Don't sit anymore."

I was shaken; I felt wild like a raging beast. I said, "I'm going!" and stormed through the hall and out the door. I wandered aimlessly. The sky was overcast, the day chill and windy. A lone crow cawed wildly at me from a tree-top. The whole world was in raw untameable motion. I felt completely exposed and alone. I went to the cliff overlooking the ocean. The wind howled fiercely through the trees, and waves rushed across the bay. I felt what it was like to be homeless.