After dinner one evening, instead of walking to the ocean, as I sometimes did, I sat on the grass and meditated. I vowed that I wouldn't move until I got enlightened. I sat and watched the grass become individual blades of grass, to a mass blur of green, to a bright light. I felt I was the Buddha. I was conscious of a total space in front of me, surrounding me in me, and then I felt there was no space. One single tear slid from my eye, down my cheek, landing on my leg. I kept sitting, but I could focus only on what was in front of me. Soon Reverend Jih-Ch'ang was ringing the bell for the lecture to begin.

Master Sheng-Yen reminded us that our time was limited, how our good causes and conditions gave us this chance. He warned us that if we didn't seize the opportunity it may never come again. I was concerned about my ability to function well the next day if I stayed up all night. Master Sheng-Yen stressed that there was no health danger in sitting all night. After that I sat a little longer each night before going to sleep.

Near the end of retreat, I stayed up sitting for a long time. I was using all my energy concentrating on Wu, and had no other thoughts. Still, I was angry at myself and felt I should be working harder. I finally started nodding out, and went upstairs to sleep, but before I knew it, the boards were clapping and it was time to get up again. I didn't feel tired. I didn't feel very energetic either. At breakfast, my nose began to bleed. I got up and washed, then sat down at the table.